It Wasn’t Just Another Day
It was May 2008. My daughter was 15 months old and we were due for the MMR. Even though I had followed blindly and not done the research I should have, or any research at all for that matter, my gut was saying there was something wrong with V’s, because I had spread them out instead of all at the same time.
I didn’t listen to my God voice though. Worst mistake of my life because spreading them out is bs, all it takes is ONE!
It was a normal day. Mom, dad and kid had another “wellness visit.” Right on target with everything. We had been signing from birth and had about 50 words. She was talking, walking, and doing everything a 15-month-old should have been doing.
The moment the needle punctured her skin, my child screamed like I had never heard my child scream before. It was immediate that she didn’t want me touching her, she was flailing her arms and inconsolable. She was also looking right through me as if I wasn’t there.
Turns out, the shot instantly injured my baby. The pretty word they made up to manipulate all of us parents is… Autism.
The Moment
The nurse didn’t flinch at the screaming. She immediately gathered her little tray of poison and scurried out the door, leaving us freaking out. My former husband even joked and said, “Wow, I don’t know if she had to punch her in the arm like that.” And for a split second, the non-thinking-just-go-along-with-the-program part of me was about to agree with him, but there was a much bigger force at work inside of me that day and there was no way God was letting me walk out of that room with those nonsense thoughts after the reality that had just happened right in front of our eyes. Play time was over.
In hindsight, that nurse has probably injured thousands of children in her career. She is so used to bad reactions, she just wanted to get out of there and not deal with a screaming toddler. I will have an article and a Podcast on this topic. It’s criminal, they are a special kind of criminal and I pray for them to repent to their Lord or they will not be going home.
What was going on at those moments for me was the most bizarre thing I have ever experienced. There was no room for me to be upset. My insides were screaming at me to WAKE UP!!! I was reeling. Trying grasp what was going on. Like trying to catch your breath under water. The old me and the new me were colliding and there wasn’t room for anything else until it resolved. This was fundamental Crisis of Faith and the world stopped for me until the resolution was recognized. The battle in my innermost soul was real and truth definitely prevailed – at the expense of my daughter. This was all in a matter of seconds too. The thoughts were so clear like the world was in slow motion. I was literally waking up to the corruption and lies of our entire existence in the throws of this tragedy to my daughter and we all know, once you see something, once you know, there is no going back. Well, there is but it’s called ignorance.
Within 10 minutes, they made sure we got her dressed and basically kicked us out of their office under the guise of “she was probably coming down with something, we don’t want her to get our other patients sick.” The gaslighting had begun. Getting her dressed was no small task. She didn’t want anything touching her body and I basically had to force her into her clothing while I was fighting my own emotions and trying to grasp what was going on. She was still screaming and in another world. She spiked a very high fever, her sparkling blue eyes were dulling and turned silver by the time we got home. She wasn’t hearing me, she was so far away and wasn’t responding to my voice or my touch and rejected breast feeding from that day on.
15 Minutes Later
They couldn’t get us out of the office fast enough. Didn’t even want us to make another appointment. We were in the car and we were panicking. I called the doctor from the car and told her we were coming back in because there was something wrong. I remember saying, “She’s having a bad reaction to the shot!” And the Dr said “IMPOSSIBLE, this is just a coincidence, she was getting sick, go home, give her Tylenol and give it 3-4 days. 5 miles later we were home, she had 105° fever and for 3 days, she screamed and didn’t sleep or eat. On the 4th day, she stopped screaming, the fever broke.
Another hindsight moment, this was nothing new to them. The nurse running out of the room with no reaction to my daughter’s reaction, everyone in the office telling us she was already getting sick, but the clincher for me at that time was on the 4th day. How did the Dr. know that I needed to wait 3-4 Days?
This was my first introduction to “The Coincidence Condition backed by Gaslighting”. All designed to make us doubt ourselves into thinking we are crazy and don’t know our children.
The Aftermath
She was drastically changed. Staring blankly. No more bubbly little girl running around the house. No more sign language. No more breast feeding. No more bright blue eyes. Not more chattering. No more responding. No more interest in other children or being social.
My beautiful, adventurous, wide eyed inquisitive and outgoing child was now a beautifully quiet, unfocused, introvert, sitting in corners and wanting nothing to do with people or life.
Immediately following the changes were staggering. Physically her eyes were a different color, sagging and unfocused, in fact she had quite a bit of facial sagging. She was making zero eye contact and I was having to say her name at least half-dozen times to get her attention. Her smile was also gone and for a few years, I couldn’t touch her head – no brushing or washing. Just ran water over her.
You know what wasn’t gone though? Her love of books and reading. She seemed to love them even more. So I focused on that because it was the only thing I could get through to her with. I remember holding on to that with every piece of will power I had and I filled our house with hundreds of books. Barnes and Noble was and still is a weekly field trip for us and I know deep in my heart, it was that piece of her brain that helped to bring all the other pieces home.
Healing
I have had to take a bunch of minutes to grasp what was going on back on that horrendous day. I have been told by those I have hired to help me over the years that I had to go through a type of mourning process to forgive myself. I had to get angry, curse and scream. I had to get to the point of shifting the blame from myself to the Pharma Cartel and our Government, where the blame really lies. It was crucial to my daughters future well being that I healed myself immediately so I could focus on her needs and recover her from the poisons they shot her up with.
I can’t tell you how many times someone has asked me, “How did you get used to your new normal.” Let’s be clear. There is nothing normal about what we went through. I never accepted her injury as normal and knew that if I ever did, I would become complacent and that’s just not an option in helping her to be her best. It is NOT accepting this as normal that has kept the fire in my belly lit to do everything and anything possible to help her. More importantly? She is the love of my life and part of my entire being forever, there was and is nothing to get used to but trust me, it wasn’t just another day.
Stay tuned for my next article… “The School Years”